Day 1449 of 1456

Day 1449 of 1456

I've voted. I've done all I can do. It's in God's hands now.

And if God's track record is any indication, that's not saying much. It's also a bullshit position to think that voting was all I could've done. At the very least I could've kept this dark alley of a webpage more regularly updated. No one was even making me do anything, there was no responsibility. This was my idea, I liked doing it, and I still couldn't cut the mustard. It's not even a 60 minute job, and I couldn't find the gumption, motivation, discipline and drive to make it happen. I don't know about anyone else, but I deserve whatever I get.

It's possible I'm being too hard on myself – escaping from a domestic abuse relationship will do that. I know I've never offered any personal anecdotes in these 4 years, but I figured now was a good time. And I don't offer this up as fishing for pity, or even as an excuse for my lackluster update schedule. But mostly just to say that I won't be making an update next week – planning ahead my gaps counts as professionalism – because next week is the vote results. All the early votes get counted, all the walk-up votes happen. Everything happens.

If I'm being real honest, things feel now exactly like I thought they would, 4 years ago. I admit I didn't anticipate the quarter of a million citizens dead from a contagious airborne plague – past half way to the number of American casualties in World War Two, and we're not even properly in to winter yet – but the general vibe of unstoppable racial anxiety, execution chamber dread for minorities of every class, gender, and foreign heritage, and a natural feeling of pendulum-blade murder of a civil war swinging above our heads, yeah, that checks out. The only real chance we have right now is that the American people have the capacity to learn from their past mistakes, so you'll forgive me if I start battening down the hatches now, instead of waiting until next week.

If next week doesn't turn out the way it needs to, this page won't be doing much good. If things DO turn out the way they have to, well then, this page can still fade away anyway, just under better circumstances. But if the real nightmare sets in, at the very least I'll have to start updating more often than just once a week. I just mean, one way or another I'll have to move beyond what I've got going on here. Something with a more regular style. Something with some verve to the writing. Something that cares. Not just a spot check on whichever fortnight I feel like getting my shit together. I'm not good for much besides writing. But that, I can do. I knew how to once, and if things go South I'll need to find out how to again. I don't know if you've heard, but I'm a survivor of domestic abuse. I have surpassed and Gone Beyond. I have seen the promised land, and it is good. Anything that has happened to me so far, I have withstood. Anything after that is child's play.

There is nothing anyone can do to stop me. Someone tried once, and I defeated them. From now on, everyday is a day I was told I don't deserve, that I would never have.

And now there is a very real chance that things will get worse. Very worse, very soon. For everyone you have ever met or passed on the sidewalk. Even the winners will die on the inside. That's how a national tragedy works, it rots everything to the core. In terms of "everything" and "core" that previously you could never imagine. This is Real Poker. Lives and entire legacies are at stake. No one thinks about France's Rights of Man without seeing the guillotine in their mind, no one hears about German engineering without thinking of cattle-car trains. If we fuck this up it embarrasses every good thing America has ever done, going back in time to personally shit in George Washington's wooden mouth right as he's making the Christmas crossing at the Delaware River. We'd have to redeem this entire country ourselves one day at a time with our bare hands, back at square one. It wouldn't be impossible, other peoples have done it before. But I'd much rather find out in roughly 168 hours from now that hey, we don't have to do it. That would be nice. But the future might be asking a lot from us all very soon.

We find out in a week what happens. We find out if we decided to "give them one more chance," or if we climbed down the fire escape and made a run for it. What could make someone ask for seconds of this? What could make someone stay, after all this?

It's not that they think their lives are great. They know what they're dealing with. They know they get punched in the face three square meals a day. But they think leaving is even worse. When they leave their front door, they don't see the world you do. They think everything is on fire, and it will kill them and their babies if they set foot out into it. There is only the gutter. There is only death. Slow and painful and hungry and cold, and staying stuck next to someone who thinks they're on top at least feels better, because you also trick yourself into thinking you're on top with them. And that's better than dying a slow shriveled death. Because you can't think anyone is out there for you. If you thought there was a net you would've used it by now. It doesn't matter if there is one, you're not going to see it.

Your forethought goes away, your plans die, you lose track of time and future and past and now, all you think about is keeping your immediate area as stress minimized as possible. Only minimized, because stress free has become impossible. Good days and bad days, nothing to do but keep kicking and hoping. Sometimes the thick oil lines creep in to take you, sometimes they stay farther away and you can squeeze a few breaths of fresh air.

Every single victim of abuse thinks they aren't strong enough to escape by themselves, and I can tell you that they are 100% right. No one can free themselves. I certainly didn't. I needed cops, trained movers, a legal advocate, and the human friends who first told me that what I was going through wasn't normal. Every time someone thinks they can't do it alone, they're right. They won't be able to. None of us do. Not for anything. Not escaping domestic abuse, or even just waking up in the morning and going to work without blowing your brains out all over your boss' nice blue tie. Everyone needs someone. Even cabin-living bomb-mailing maniacs talk to the critters of the earth.

The only way out of this is to be there for them. And that is a hard ask. That is not easy. They are meth heads. They are stupid racist hicks. They are not readers. They are the worst of us. All these things are true. They have abandoned what is best in us and will quite possibly curse an entire nation out of their spite. It is so easy to hate them. They don't deserve our help. They don't deserve the future, and the planet can soar on into the galaxy without them. They have insulted our Muslim and queer brothers and sisters in staggering, incessant, unimaginable ways. They have taken lives and destroyed families. I'm not looking for solutions to help them, I'm looking for solutions to help us. There is only stopping the cycle, or ignoring it as it spins harder and harder. The things that got us here will not dissolve on their own, left in the dark. The dark is where they grow. They're like mushrooms that grow into lynching trees.

And if this election ends the wrong way, they will be our enemies. That's irrefutable. I don't want to say anyone is beyond saving, but if trump wins another 4 years of this shit, there will be people out there who will need more immediate help than They do. That's just a question of allocation of resources. You have to prioritize, that's all.

I'm not asking we forgive them. They've made no appeasements, and have asked for no forgiveness. I just know that if the sun rises next week and we do come out on top – and I'll be gloating about it, don't worry – those people will still be there. They'll still need rescuing. Otherwise they become the next abusers. That's always how it works. Those are literally our only two options. Take the opening and stop the cycle by trying to save people before they "deserve" to be saved, or start the clock and grab some popcorn, because it'll all come right back around again.

People saved me, so I know it's possible. I've been through a lot of shit. We all have. We're probably going to be through a lot more. Unless the rapture ascends us all on next Tuesday night, we're going to be in for some shit. That's how life works, win or lose. Not the best of all possible Novembers, or inauguration January, or anytime after that will the hurting stop. Not if you give a shit. And that always hurts. It only stops hurting when you quit. Your only other option is to keep caring the whole time, right up until the light goes out. And that's the best option. That way you really only die once.

But we have been through many things. And now we are here for One Of Them. A thing that people will talk about later. It's really happening. It's alive and in front of us. If we get through this, it'll only be the same way we got through all the other dirty stupid useless valleys that our species has ever gotten ourselves lost in.

There's a very real possibility that this will be the worst winters of our lives. And that's the good version. Either this winter will be the worst, or it'll turn out to be the first of many, only the 4th worst because we're just getting started. We'll find out if January is the beginning of the rebound or the cliff.

But I can't tell if my brain is broken or impervious but I'm still putting my chips on us, no matter which way next week falls. Or at least, betting it all on myself. I don't know how far I can trust all the rest of you, but there's something strange about being through an unimaginable and long term emotional tragedy that makes you know exactly where you stand on a lot of things. I'm running on a lot more optimism than one should rightfully expect, the way things are & have been, personally and nationally. Most of my memories aren't of the horror I escaped, but of the people who helped me get out. And they're squishy blood filled humans just like the rest of us. And I've always been on the right side of history with my words or spirit or beliefs or whatever joke of a name you want to call these Nice and Useless Thoughts, but I've only recently come into the new school of thinking that I'm capable of anything. Giving a shit in your heart has been easy, but you never feel like you've got anything to actually offer. But Being There For Someone is criminally underrated. It's immediate, and god's blessings upon our technology, but it means now there are even more chances than ever to check in with someone. Least excuses ever. And that shit saves lives. And luckily I'm still here to hassle you with this bullshit because of it, because someone checked in on me. Lucky you. Lucky us. We have each other.